The Mighty Viking

Conquering those things we must, one story at a time

Archive for December, 2014

The Ten Commandments, as seen by a dog

I was thinking about New Year’s Resolutions today.  As far as promises go, I decided to keep it down to something I can actually follow through on.  I was sitting with my dog while this thinking was going on, and I thought about a saying I’ve heard.  I think it’s going to be my Resolution:

Wag more.  Bark less.Charlie

That’s it.  But of course, I didn’t stop thinking there.  I jotted down some other resolutions, and started to be aware of an emerging, vaguely familiar pattern to what I was writing.  It turns out there is a Universal Truth to some of the rules I learned as a child.

The Ten Canine Commandments.

  1. Figure out who the master of the house is. This where your love goes first and foremost, and also where your Snacks come from.
  2. Don’t follow anyone but the master unless he tells you to. And make sure and let it be known you’re not happy about it if you have to follow someone else.  “Hang-dog” is your legacy.  Use it.
  3. If you’re going to act like a guard dog by day, don’t go stealing chickens by night. Blood on your fur in the morning eats away at your credibility.
  4. Take a nap when the pack takes a nap.  Yes, even if you still haven’t caught the red laser dot.  In fact, especially if you haven’t caught the red laser dot, because someone is just screwing with your head.
    1. Lay down in places you won’t be stepped on.
    2. Find a lap if you can.
    3. Be happy when nap time starts.  Be happy when nap time ends.
    4. It’s best when the whole pack naps together.
  5. Make your pack proud.  Make your breed proud.  Leave people who’ve never met dogs before thinking dogs are awesome.
  6. Let the squeaky part of the squeaky toy live just a little longer.
    1. On second thought…nah, ripping its gizzard out is like a rodeo event. Eight seconds is plenty long.
  7. Food is Love – but only when it comes in little exquisite tidbits and a “who’s a good boy?”.  Otherwise, it’s just that stuff that keeps you alive despite all the odds.
  8. Take what is given you, leave what is not. Consider carefully whether something is worth owning, because once you pee on it, you own it.
  9. If someone asks, “Who did this!?”, do not cower, even though you believe with every fibre of your being that you should.  Do not blame the cat, nor the baby.  Stand by what you’ve done with pride – tail and tongue wagging and panting.  It might not stop them from being angry at the moment, but it will bring you special social media fame and snacks.
  10. Everything on the other side of the fence is interesting, and wants to be explored.  Just wait to explore it until you hear the clink of the leash release.
Addendums:
  1. “Do you want to go for a walk” is not actually a question
  2. Chase the cats that think you’re going to chase them. They probably deserve what’s coming to them.